We Are Tuning Forks to Each Other
But isn’t this stuff too touchy feely to use at work!?
I hear this question frequently from my students and clients as they learn about empathy and practice more compassionate communication.
And I wonder if you can relate?
Perhaps you’ve learned some new tools to support your communication when tensions arise, but it feels really vulnerable to try it out. You’re worried it might feel contrived or “unprofessional,” or might just weird people out. Plus you’re new at it, so what if you “do it wrong!?”
But, it’s been SO useful for you! You see the transformative potential, and how needed empathy is. You really long to find ways to incorporate empathy practices and other new tools into your life authentically, including at work.
If this is resonating for you, I want to share some simple nuggets for incorporating your new learning in ways that are authentic and right-sized, just exactly where you are in your learning.
I think these nuggets can work in almost any setting, and they can be surprisingly effective right away, even when no one else shares the tools.
We vibe off each other
You know that experience when people respond to you totally differently depending on your mood, even if you don’t feel like you’re doing or saying anything differently? Even if you don’t think of yourself as a very intuitive person, you can tell when someone is angry or there’s charged energy between you, right?
This is because we vibe off each other! Our bodies are literally like tuning forks - even if nothing is said, we resonate with each other at the cellular level and can tell something is up.
That’s why we talk about “knowing things in our guts.” We actually feel information in our bellies and throughout our bodies because we are tuned into the nervous systems of those around us.
So what does this have to do with bringing your newfound compassion and empathy skills to work!? Well, what if you could harness this tuning fork energy when there’s tension with a colleague - without saying a word!?
I realize that even if we know that our energy is palpable to others and shapes our interactions, we don’t necessarily know how to shift our energy, especially in the heat of the moment.
What’s cool is that we can practice and learn how to grow our capacity to make those shifts using these simple steps.
Harnessing the power of being like a tuning fork
Next time you are in a moment of wanting to use your new found skills (empathy, for example) but concerned it might not go over well, or just feels too vulnerable in a “professional” setting, here’s an alternative to getting out that handout from class. :)
Instead of stumbling through “I observe that you blah blah blah and I feel blah blah and I wonder if you have the need for …”** try this:
Take a few deep breaths to slow down and pause.
Connect to your own body. What sensations are present there? What are these sensations telling you about what you are feeling or needing?
For example: I notice my belly and throat are tight and my face is hot. I’m barely breathing. I think I’m feeling scared because I’m worried they don’t understand me and my ideas and needs won’t be considered. I’m longing to feel like I have some choice and agency.
Does anything shift in you as you tune into this?
When you feel genuinely ready, see if you want to shift your curiosity and open heart to the other person. Make some internal guesses - in your own head, not outloud! (this is key!) - about what they may be feeling and what the needs may be underneath.
For example: I notice I’m breathing a little more fully again, feeling slightly more relaxed. I can remember that they are also a person and might be feeling scared, too! This does give me a little more space to open my heart to them. I’m guessing they are feeling a lot of pressure and urgency, because they really care about this project. I wonder if they are feeling lonely? And really needing support and mutuality? Probably understanding also!
What happens in you as you connect to this? Does anything shift in your own energy, or in the energy or dynamic between you? What else opens and becomes possible?
All of this can happen in the space of a few breaths, especially after you’ve tried it a few times. And if you didn’t have the where-with-all to try it in the moment (no worries - that takes practice, too!), you can always reflect or journal through these steps after the fact to gain more insight.
It’s about making it a mindfulness practice
What I love about using compassionate communication as an internal mindfulness practice is that it allows us to bring the power of empathy while having more choice around how vulnerable we want to be when, and with whom.
Notice how your own body shifts as you bring compassion and empathy to yourself. Notice if you can feel into any shifts in the other person as you offer them that same open-hearted curiosity without saying a word.
Do you feel the magic of resonance doing its thing? Your bodies re-attuning to each other at a new vibration, making room for a new dynamic to emerge?
I'd love to hear what you discover!
**Don’t get me wrong. I actually think this kind of practice (including with a class handout from me or whomever you’re learning with!) is super important and helpful, just not always the right tool to approach every moment. You know, like they say about hammers and nails and such.