Offering Feedback or Needing to be Heard?
Years ago, I reached out to a dear friend (who at the time happened to be my teacher, mentor and coach) to let her know I had some feedback for her.
I was caught off guard when instead of asking me what the feedback was she asked, “Do you actually have feedback for me, or do you need some empathy?”
I don’t remember anymore exactly what the feedback was, but her response has stuck with me.
It highlighted a key distinction which has been invaluable for me as I’ve explored the giving and receiving of feedback with care - both personally, and in holding space for others to do so.
A key distinction
Turns out, the key to being able to offer more effective feedback is to get clear on our purpose for offering feedback.
So often when we reach out to someone to say we have some feedback to offer, what we actually mean is that we are needing some empathy, some space-holding of some kind around something hard that’s up for us.
And there’s nothing wrong with this - of course we need space-holding and care around hard things! And let’s fiercely find that for ourselves.
But that’s different from feedback.
So what is feedback?
At least the way that I think about feedback is when we have something to offer someone with the desire to contribute to their growth and thriving, and connected to clear purpose or intention they have articulated for themselves.
And why is this important?
Well, it’s a lot easier for the other to hear, receive and integrate. It’s much less of an emotional lift and requires much less skillfulness and capacity on the part of the receiver. And it’s a much more honest, clear and more consent-ful request/offer.
When we come with anger, defensiveness, judgment, hurt, criticism, etc, it’s much harder for the receiver to sort through to what may actually be valuable feedback for them somewhere underneath. It can often even be activating for the other.
Again, I want to emphasize that coming in these ways isn’t bad or wrong - but being clear about what we are asking for and needing can make it so much more likely that everyone will get more of their needs met.
So how can we tell the difference between having genuine feedback to offer, vs needing some tending and care for something that’s up for ourselves?
Self-assessing: Do I have feedback, or am I needing to be heard?
First, we can tune into these questions for self-reflection, to check: am I genuinely aligned with an intention to give feedback in service of the other’s learning and growth? Or might I be needing to be heard and understood?
Am I holding some story of good/bad, right/wrong?
Am I attached to my story of the “truth” of my assessment?
Am I seeking repair, healing, connection, reconciliation with the other?
Am I longing to be seen?
If you are feeling a yes to any of these questions, then before offering feedback, I invite you to spend some more time in self-reflection, connecting to what you are feeling and what needs you may actually be trying to meet through offering feedback.
You could try working through this Choosing Empathy journaling guide, or invite a loved one to sit with you to listen with warmth, acceptance and empathy.
Then check in with the above questions again. Has there been a shift in the intensity? Are you able to connect more to your genuine desire to contribute to the other?
If so, then maybe you’re moving towards readiness to offer actual feedback!
And if not, that’s ok, too - but it’s likely that something other than offering feedback to the other may be the next right step. (Like, maybe you want to see if they are open to hearing some impact they have had on you? Or to offer you empathy? But that’s more for another time!)
In this experience with my friend, she had the wherewithal to invite me into this checking-in-with-myself-process. (Which was truly a gift both to me and to herself - receiving my messy mix of feedback and my own activated parts needing some empathy would not have been fun for her, either!)
This meant we got to slow things down and really notice what my intention truly was.
And I actually was needing some empathy. Luckily, she had the capacity in the moment to offer that to me, and so we started there.
She listened with warmth and care and understanding, and helped me connect to the deeper layers of my feelings and needs. I soon felt more heard and understood, and also more self-connected, more clear about what was actually up for me.
From there, I was able to own what was mine, and then actually share the small nugget that was genuine feedback for her!
And because I had worked through a lot of the charge, and she was able to hold me in that with a ton of compassion, she was much more able to receive what I had to offer her as the gift it was.
And bonus, the whole process not only left me with this very clear lesson and ongoing practice, it was also trust-building and connecting for our relationship.
**I am super grateful for the teachings I received as part of the BayNVC (Nonviolent Communication) Leadership Program, from teacher Miki Kashtan and others, which have also supported my learning and practice around feedback.